Holiday horrors

It was a frightening day for me as I made my first plunge into the holiday-bedecked edition of Target. It’s no use to rail about Christmas decorations going up alongside the Thanksgiving turkey stuffing – that sleigh has sailed.  But the Christmas CD display that blurted out carols every time someone strolled by – I don’t know why employees don’t smash that thing with a yule log by the end of the day.

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a useless, counter-space-sucking small appliance, and I saw three today . One was a cupcake baker. Shaped like a cupcake and colored shiny pink, it can hold six cupcakes, which it purports to bake in 10 minutes. I believe I own a thing called an “oven” that bakes many more cupcakes in the same amount of time. If you wanted to waste your time making cupcakes, that is. The cupcake baker does not frost them for you, unfortunately.

Because every baked good requires its own dedicated machine, right next to it was a doughnut baker. But what I fear is a sign that the deliciousness that is pie is being co-opted by The Man sat next to it: the Pie Magic pie maker. It looks like a George Foreman grill from the outside; inside are spaces for four small pies – tarts, really, I’d say. The description says the contraption has a “unique edge crimper.” So do I. It’s called a fork.

Weakened by these sights, I beseeched The Hub to meet me for lunch. I needed an hour in his peaceful presence, and to consume leafy greens with feta cheese. But the worst vision was still to come.

I gazed up to the restaurant’s TV and saw Paula Deen, holding a Barbie doll version of herself. (Yes, I could tell the difference; Paula was taller.)

What fresh horrors will the season hold?