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Articles & Essays
"Holiday tip: Save your sanity"
Published 11/22/09
The News & Observer (Raleigh, NC)
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I know what you all are thinking right now. The economy stinks and the daily news stresses you out.
You’ve decided you need some warm and fuzzy for the holiday season. So you’re going to create one of those grandma’s house-shiny magazine cover-jingle bell holidays. Starting in the kitchen.
No matter that, for the rest of the year, you use your oven only for storing paper plates. (Holiday Hint No. 1: Remove those before turning it on; you can’t use burning paper to smoke a turkey.)
No, you are undeterred. You can smell the pumpkin pie, see your perfectly behaved children cutting out Christmas cookies and hear the tinkling laughter of your family as they gather around tables full of homemade delights.
I know you, and I know what you’re in for, because I’ve talked to you.
There was the man who liked a recipe in my wings cookbook, but was confused by the “bake” and “broil” functions on his oven. The woman who made a muffin recipe, filled up the number of muffin cups listed, had batter left and didn’t know what to do with it. The woman who needed to know the difference between salted and unsalted butter.
Fear not. I am here for you, even those of you who think “cooktop” is a chef’s outfit. Even if you’re armed with a Famous Television Food Personality’s Holiday Cookbook and think you don’t need advice from the likes of me.
Uh-huh. You’ll start out with big plans, channeling your grandmother via a flour-speckled Ouija board. But at some point, you’ll want to throw cranberries at the walls and wonder what the Famous Television Food Personality is talking about.
Unlike hers, my holiday cooking tips will help you retain your sanity.
- Forget the “cooking wine.” Never cook with wine that you wouldn’t drink, because you’ll need something to refresh you as you figure out the recipe. You do want to enjoy yourself, and cooking always goes better when conducted one-handed.
- Move the turkey out of the oven and into the deep fryer. Not only can you take a perverse pleasure in turning low-fat poultry into a festival of crunchy naughtiness, the process will draw any unwanted males away from the kitchen. Something about deep frying a turkey attracts the Y chromosome. At one of my dinners, every man present (even a gay one) gathered outside around the fryer and stared at it. Dropping a turkey into hot oil in the backyard is almost as good as a Three Stooges marathon for ensuring that serious cooks will be unimpeded by less-than-expert help. In fact, I’m surprised no one has offered that programming on Thanksgiving. (Lifetime, are you listening?)
- If anyone offers to bring a dish to Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, say yes. Whatever it is. Turnip-raisin casserole, tofu-pumpkin surprise - it’s still food, and food you didn’t have to prepare. If faced with a lack of volunteers, employ what my friend Sheri, a former elementary school teacher, calls the “teacher look.” She has used this on everyone from bad waiters to lazy car repairmen with success. Heck, she scares me into proper behavior with it. Turn it on your crowd, and if they whine that they can’t cook, reply, “well, you can walk down the frozen pizza or chips aisle, can’t you?” Remember, it’s all food.
- Find that those people you couldn’t keep out of the kitchen when the food was cooking vanish when it’s clean-up time? “Lose” their coats until they at least pick up a dishtowel and dry a plate or two. Actually, this tactic works only when it’s cold, so cross your fingers for a frigid holiday season.
Now you’re in the holiday cooking spirit. Just remember to remove all flammables from the oven, except perhaps that Famous Television Food Personality’s Holiday Cookbook.
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